Invisible Man chapter 1
accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory
. I was naive. I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer.It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with: That I am nobody but myself. But first I had to discover that I am an invisible man!
And yet I am no freak of nature, or of history. I was in the cards, other things having been equal (or unequal)1 eighty-five years ago. I am not ashamed of my grandparents for having been slaves.
I am only ashamed of myself for having at one time been ashamed. About eighty-five years ago they were told that they were free, united with others of our country in everything pertaining to the common good, and, in everything social, separate like the fingers of the hand.
And they believed it. They exulted in it. They stayed in their place, worked hard, and brought up my father to do the same. But my grandfather is the one. He was an odd old guy, my grandfather, and I am told I take after him. It was he who caused the trouble.
On his deathbed he called my father to him and said, "Son, after I'm gone I want you to keep up the good fight. I never told you, but our life is a war and I have been a traitor all my born days2, a spy in the enemy's country ever since I give up my gun back in the Reconstruction3.
Live with your head in the lions mouth. I want you to overcome 'em4 with yeses, undermine 'me with grins, agree 'em5 to death and destruction, let 'me swoller6 you till they vomit or bust wide open." They thought the old man had gone out of his mind. He had been the meekest of men.
The younger children were rushed from the room, the shades drawn and the flame of the lamp turned so low that it sputtered on the wick like the old man's breathing. "Learn it to the younguns7," he whispered fiercely; then he died.
But my folks were more alarmed over his last words than over his dying. It was as though he had not died at all, his words caused so much anxiety. I was warned emphatically to forget what he had said and, indeed, this is the first time it has been mentioned outside the family circle.
It had a tremendous effect upon me, however. I could never be sure of what he meant. Grandfather had been a quiet old man who never made any trouble, yet on his deathbed he had called himself a traitor and a spy, and he had spoken of his meekness as a dangerous activity.
It became a constant puzzle which lay unanswered in the back of my mind. And whenever things went well for me I remembered my grandfather and felt guilty and uncomfortable. It was as though I was carrying out his advice in spite of myself.
And to make it worse, everyone loved me for it. I was praised by the most lily-white men of the town. I was considered an example of desirable conduct just as my grandfather had been. And what puzzled me was that the old man had defined it as treachery.
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