subject: How To Find Balance (even Joy) Without The Training Wheels [print this page] A friend of mine, John, was recently despondently describing the state of his life. After working extremely hard for years climbing the corporate ladder - he was wondering whether his 'ladder' was actually leaning against the wrong wall. He was starting to ask the difficult questions about his working life - in fact, his life generally. He had risen to a senior management position in a large corporation and was paid extremely well to bring his years of experience to the organisation, however, reason the sense of enjoyment and fulfilment he got from work had all but disappeared. He wasn't sleeping well - often waking in the middle of the night thinking about his 'to do' list. He was eating poorly and was 10 kilograms overweight. He was snappy with people around him, including his family. He pronounced, 'why can't they understand how much pressure I'm under'?!
Does any of this sound or feel familiar? Can you see some of yourself in John? We live in a global village connected by digital media. Our pace is rushed, rapid-fire, and relentless. Facing crushing workloads, we try to cram as much as possible into every day. Time management is no longer a viable solution. We need more. It's also not about 'coping' or 'surviving' - this is a state of mind which is not helpful. We shouldn't just 'get by' - it's not fair to our work colleagues or the organisation and it's not fair to our family and friends. Most importantly however - you deserve more.
People with resilience harness inner strengths and tend to rebound more quickly from setbacks or challenges, whether it's our pet project turning 'pear-shaped', unexpected conflict at work, or even a job loss. People who are less resilient may dwell on problems, feel victimized, become overwhelmed and turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as working even harder or drinking to excess, with predictable consequences. They may even be more inclined to develop mental health problems.
Resilience is the ability to adapt well to stress, adversity, trauma or tragedy. It means that, overall we remain stable and maintain healthy levels of psychological and physical functioning in the face of disruption or chaos. Find enjoyment in life and handle future stressors better, resilience won't necessarily make your problems go away, but it can give us the ability to see past them. If you aren't as resilient as you'd like, there are many things you can do to build your resilience and improve your wellbeing.
In their groundbreaking book entitled The Power of Full Engagement, Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz suggest that to get more done in your life (with higher levels of satisfaction), it's not about managing time, it's about managing your energy. There are four sources of energy: physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. With each source, we must find a way to balance energy use and energy renewal. When any energy source is out of balance, we become burned out and our performance suffers.
To change this, we must increase the capacity of each energy source by pushing beyond our normal limits and then renew the source with a corresponding rest period. It's exactly the way we increase our physical strength. We work out a muscle to exhaustion and then we rest it. The exertion and rest period makes the muscle stronger. We need to be able to balance the degree of work and rest however - too much rest means the muscle will atrophy.
In our ever increasingly busy lives, finding - or more accurately - creating periods of rest or 'down time' seems difficult. However, we need to create positive energy rituals in our lives, the same as cleaning our teeth is a ritual developed over time. Rituals are specific routines we do without even thinking about them.
The number of hours in a day is fixed, but the quantity and quality of energy available to us isn't. This fundamental insight has the power to revolutionize the way we live our lives. To build resilience and build our capability to not just 'cope' with what life throws at us, we need to be able to do four things: Mobilize four key sources of energy; Balance energy expenditure with intermittent energy renewal; Expand capacity in the same systematic way that elite athletes do; Create highly specific, positive energy management rituals.
Back to John. After a fairly lengthy conversation touching a number of areas, he could see a glimmer of hope. He could see he was not a victim of circumstance and could actually change his life for the better and more importantly, he now could see his choices and way of seeing things had created the world he now called his life. Some of the things we discussed as a way to build capacity to deal with life's rigours include:
Use humour and laughter. It doesn't mean you are in denial if you remain positive or find humour in distressing or stressful situations. Humour is a helpful coping mechanism. If you simply can't find humour in your situation, turn to other sources for a laugh, such as a funny book or movie.
Learn from your experiences. Recall how you've coped with hardships in the past, either in healthy or unhealthy ways. Build on what helped you through those rough times and don't repeat actions that didn't help. Work out the lessons you learned and how you'll apply them when faced with similar situations.
Remain hopeful and optimistic. When in the middle of a crisis, it may seem as though things will never get better. While you can't change the events, look toward the future, even if it's just a glimmer of how things might improve. Find something in each day that signals a change for the better. Expect good results. Believing things happen for a reason may help sustain you.
Take care of yourself. Tend, both physically and emotionally, to your own needs and feelings. Including participating in activities and hobbies you enjoy, exercising regularly, getting plenty of sleep, and eating a well-balanced diet.
Accept and anticipate change. Be flexible. Change and uncertainty are part of life. Try not to be so rigid that even minor changes upset you or you become anxious in the face of uncertainty. If we expect changs to occur it makes it easier to adapt, tolerate and even welcome them.
Work toward goals. Do something every day that gives you a sense of accomplishment. It doesn't have to be a major goal, such as getting the college degree you've been meaning to pursue. Everyday goals, however small, are important, such as finishing a work project or making a difficult phone call. Having goals helps direct you toward the future.
Take action. Don't just wish your problems would go away or try to ignore them. Chances are they won't disappear on their own. Instead, figure out what needs to be done, make a plan to do it, and then take action to resolve your problems.
Learn new things about yourself. Look back on past experiences and think about how you've changed as a result. You may be stronger than you thought. You may have gained a new appreciation for life. If you feel worse as a result of your experiences, think about what changes could help. Also explore new interests, such as taking a cooking class or visiting a museum. Think better of yourself. Congratulate yourself for enduring hard times, loss or stress. Be proud of yourself. Trust yourself to solve problems and make sound decisions. Think positive thoughts about yourself. Nurture self-confidence and self-esteem so that you feel you're a strong, capable and self-reliant person who can withstand hardships and criticism. This will give you a sense of control over events and situations in your life and confidence in your ability to manage them well. Maintain perspective. This doesn't mean comparing your situation to that of somebody you think may be worse off. Comparing yourself to someone else may only make you feel worse or feel guilty. Rather, look at your situation in the larger context of your own life, and the world. Keep a long-term perspective and know that your situation can improve if you actively work to make it better.
Becoming your 'resilient muscle' is an individual experience. Adapt these tips for your own situation, keeping in mind what has and has not worked for you in the past. Importantly, John engaged those around him to get involved and also for support. The fact is that many of us feel exactly the same way as John, but instead of sharing it, choose to keep it to ourselves because that's what everyone else does.
Focussing more on enhancing our physical, emotional, mental and spiritual (purpose and meaning) capabilities will pay huge dividends. It'll enable you to develop a reservoir of internal resources that you can draw on, allowing you to cope with life and thrive and prosper. Anything else is selling yourself and those who care about you, short.
Copyright (c) 2010 Phillip Ralph
by: Phillip Ralph
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